I HAVE A CONFESSION...

I don't really talk about my problems on my blog. I don't mean to leave it all out, I'm just pretty closed off when it comes to that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make people worry about me.

This confession isn't a big life secret, but it is something most people probably don't know about me. It's been getting me down lately. Eating away at me. Leaving me feel overwhelmed and exasperated. Maybe, hopefully putting it out here for you all to read will help me break it down and tackle it. And hold myself accountable.

I have cleaning issues. A little in the closest OCD issues.

I don't like cleaning. Who does? But some days, I'll get in a mood where I have to clean and organize everything. I don't like to spread the work out among a few days when I'm in this mood. I feel like I have to get everything done right then and there. I mean, a total cleaning and organization of every crack and crevice in my home. Is that even possible?

But I start anyways. I start with one room and the intention to stay in that room, focus only on that room until it's done. Then I can move on. Only, I start getting overwhelmed. I'll see some mess, start to clean it, get distracted by mess elsewhere and my head gets all jumbled and I wanna curl up into a ball and cry.  I can't figure out how I'll get everything done. It keeps going in a vicious circle. It's almost crippling. Because, I don't function like normal when I have all this stuff I'm trying to keep on top of. I don't feel like I can go on with normal day-to-day life the way I need to. Then, other stuff gets behind. I don't leave time for myself. For my baby. For my husband. And, I keep telling myself I'll get that done as soon as I figure all this out.

That ain't cutting it anymore.

It's not possible to have every inch of your house clean, always. Or is it? Maybe I don't have the right cleaning tools or cleaning knowledge. Maybe there are super awesome tricks that help cleaning-queens stay on top of things. If so, I really need them.

I acknowledge that it's kind of crazy for me get so overwhelmed with little things but it's hard not to do once I get in that mindset.

I wish I could organize my brain. Have clear, labeled boxes of stuff that I could easily pull from. Just like a closest. I guess that's what notepads are made for.

I think I need to work on that this year. Buying some good notepads. Leaving them everywhere. I have to write things down. I have to learn to work through my goals, even if it's slow and takes awhile. I only have this one life to live - why do I put so much focus and effort into things that matter but don't really matter. You know?

Maybe then, other things will start falling into place. I'll find my happy place and start feeling better about myself and what I do for my family.

But I know I'm strong. I know what I am capable of. I know what I can accomplish. For now, I'll just try to focus on the immediate issues. Laundry in the wash, getting a shirt for Lia, washing every dish we own because they are all dirty. And figuring out something for dinner. Since I'm not grocery shopping until tomorrow and the house is lacking in the food department, I'm leaning towards cheap takeout even if it does make me feel guilty. McDonald's, anyone?

Step by step, I'll get it. I will.