FINDING GRACE IN MOTHERHOOD

 

It all came quite easily for me when L was born. I slid into the role of being her mama and that was that.. It was easy to put her every need before mine and it was easy to feel like nothing in the world mattered except her.

I stumble over my mothering now. This gig is hard for me, and has been for the past year or so, as she's entered a new stage. Not still a toddler, not yet a big-kid. I make mistakes daily and I am hard on myself about them. 

Finding grace in motherhood is something I struggle with. Being a mom is humbling, to say the least. To know that God hand-picked me to mother this little girl is kind of a heart-stopping fact. So I try to find grace in every day. Even on the worst days, I try to find some moment to be whole and good in. And the lessons never cease. The first moment your kid calls you out on doing something wrong and you know you need to apologize and ask for forgiveness, well, that's a big moment. And since that first time, there's been many. Many times I've cried and asked my girl for forgiveness. There's been times I've forgotten book day at school or pajamas for story time or the time I left her favorite stuffed flamingo in a car dealership and I've had to find the grace within me to know that it's okay and I don't have to beat myself up over these things. Because I do and I will. Because to my girl, book day at school was her whole world that day and losing her flamingo was like losing a best friend.

I'm not perfect and I don't believe any mother is because the essence of motherhood is in the imperfections that we learn and grow from. But I am the perfect mom for her. I know that she only likes peanut butter on her sandwiches and she wants the crusts off. I know she's a quick thinker and loves to compliment us. I know she thrives on routine and knowing what comes next. I know she's amazing and I know how to love her.