I have anxiety. Ugly, stressful, tears-me-down anxiety.
I don't talk about it much. I thought ignoring it was the best way. I acted like things were normal despite how I felt inside. I remember going out to the movies with a group of mom-friends. I was paranoid about being out at night. My mind raced through the entire movie on how to get to my car safely in the dark. I even thought about using a soda to burn out the eyes of any potential rapist or car-jacker.
I mean, really? I was out without the kids and my mind wouldn't get it's crap together. I topped the night off with an anxiety attack right outside the theatre while having a perfectly good conversation with the girls. So, I faked an excuse of needing to leave and drove home with M on the phone in case the attack got worse.
In the past year or so, this has become my normal. Along with some breathing issues that have pestered me for years, it all became too much. I finally decided to get a PCM and talk things over. My mind had convinced me that I had thyroid issues or lung cancer or... any number of things that badly-chosen google searches came up with.
After a couple chats with my PCM, talking through my records, and running blood tests, it seems that I'm a big ball of stress and worries. I have anxiety that's probably mixed in with some OCD and ADHD.
My color-coordinated bookshelves should have clued me in there, yeah?
So, here I am. Laying it all out. I'm figuring out that I have to accept it. It's a part of me. And while medication can help keep it at bay, it's still there. It's always going to be there. It really sucks. The mind battles. The unnecessary worries. The ball in my throat that pops up whenever I feel the slightest bit annoyed or nervous or rushed or out of sorts.
It's a work in progress. I still have to find the medication that works for me. I have to find ways to relax and let go and stop caring so damn much. I have to let the little things slide because they are just the freaking little things in the grand scheme.
So, anyways, I just wanted to put it out there. I wanted this space to be a little more honest and a little more real.
PS. If you have anxiety or know someone that does, this article nails it when it comes to awards that people dealing with anxiety should get.
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