I spent the morning write yet another appeal letter to our school district asking them to please, with a cherry on top, allow our children to attend the same school.
Ok, I didn't add the cherry on top part but I did write a letter that I am really hoping pulls at the heartstrings of our superintendent. Our district is a little different - we are allowed to apply to attend schools that are in our district but not our neighborhood zone. We choiced L into her school the first year it opened, but long story short, because of overcapacity, they keep denying our appeal to allow Nico in the same school.
I haven't quit yet. I'm fighting every chance I get. But, that means I'm not sleeping. I have a headache this morning. I'm still struggling with heartbreak and anxiety and frustration and quarantine madness and all of it.
I just needed to write. I needed a space to let it all out for a bit. I have been thinking lately of getting a journal and writing out all the emotions that I'm battling. But, for today, I have this blog at my fingertips.
I try to be very honest and real on social media. Our life isn't a picnic, though it is glorious and magic-filled and amazing, and I like to share the good alongside the bad. But, for whatever reason, I haven't been as real here on the blog. Maybe it's the fact that instagram is the new blog? It's so much easier to hop on there, post a photo, type up a caption, and share it.
Anyways, the last few months? They have been filled with as many jabs and pot holes as they have with magic moments and laughs. It's a hard and weird balance.
In the past 6 months, I have dealt with two miscarriages. Two. Heartbreak and frustration and anger have reigned my days these past few months. I have been poked and prodded and cried in ultrasound rooms and tried to find the words to explain to our kids what was happening. I have seen pregnancy announcements and felt a punch in my gut. I have closed the door to our guest room because I couldn't handle looking at what was supposed to be a nursery. It's been a little over two weeks since my last miscarriage. I'm not okay. I will be okay. But, I know it's healthy to awknowledge that I am not totally okay right now.
I struggle every day. I struggle to get up, to keep up with the house, I struggle to make summer magic for the kids. But, I also find joy in our days. I find joy amongst the heartbreak. I find joy despite the anger.
Quarantines are starting up again, mask mandates are happening, places are re-closing. This is the weirdest summer ever. I feel like I'm just trying to hang on. Trying to hang on to the idea that our kids can attend school together. Trying to hang on to a "normal" summer. Trying to hang on to a pregnancy.
It's a lot of hanging on and it's hard. Today I'll be hanging on while trying to tackle cleaning the house and dealing the physical and mental mess that it entails. It's been far too long and I know the mess isn't helping my mental state at all.
So, here's to hanging on and finding joy admist it all. Finding the blue skies behind the clouds. We got this. Let's be joy collectors. What's bringing you joy today, friends?
